WEEK 8 - STEP FIVE
This week we are at Step Five.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
We read, out loud, our written Step Fours, the resentments, fears and the account of sexual
conduct to another person. The main thing is that someone else hears it. Occasionally, the
person we read it to, our sponsor, would comment and give feedback, but for the most part we
read and he listened without comment.
It is likely to take several hours. Some do two-hour weekly sessions. Some do whole
days monthly. But we had to devote the time on a steady basis until it was completed. There
is quite a lot of discussion in the Big Book about who should hear the Step Five. We have all
found that the best person is our sponsor. The Big Book does not actually mention sponsors
because the word �sponsor� was not part of AA jargon at that stage, although the principle of
sponsorship was established right from the start. For example, the co-founder Bill W was
taken through the steps by someone called Ebby. Their meeting is described in Bill�s Story in
the Big Book. Although the actual word �sponsor� is not used, it is clear that the role that
Ebby performed is just we would call sponsorship today. When writing about this much later,
in the 12x12, Bill W refers to Ebby as his sponsor.
What the Big Book does do is outline some general principles that describe the right
person to hear our Fifth Step. It also suggests possible people who you might like to consider
if you cannot find someone in AA (eg a clergymen, a member of your family, a doctor, a
psychologist), but in each case it raises notes of caution. These are on page 74. The criteria
are:
-
Someone who understands alcoholics � it says we should take care because, �we
sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics�.
-
Someone who is trustworthy � it says �We search our acquaintance for a close-mouthed
friend.�
- Someone who is not so close to us that they are too great a part of are drinking past and
so would be hurt by our disclosures � it says �we cannot disclose something to our
wives or our parents which would make them unhappy.�
-
It must be someone who will �understand, yet be unaffected�.
In almost every case the person who will match these criteria closest will be the
alcoholic�s sponsor. Certainly in our experience, our sponsors turned out to be the best
person.
Although our sponsors did not always comment, some themes seemed to crop up for many of
us and the comments from our sponsors seemed to be helpful: For example, many of us had
resentments against our parents � we wouldn�t be human if we didn�t. As a result, many of us
blame our parents for our problems. There are a number of points to make: firstly, we cannot
be certain that any action of our parents, whether good or bad, has contributed in any way to
our alcoholism, so it is dishonest to blame them.
Also, we reminded ourselves that in many cases they fed and clothed us, sent us to
school and so on � all reasons for us to be grateful to them for bringing us into the world.
Even if our parents have done us wrong, we should remember that there are no parents who
are perfect and it is very likely that they are simply following the example of their parents before them, just as their parents did so before them. We now have the chance to break the
chain of behaviour, thanks to the programme. Where our parents have done something wrong,
we found it best to strive to have compassion for them and try to forgive rather than blame.
We may need to ask God for His help to enable us to do this.
In regard to our desire to blame: in our Step Fours many of us described events that
took place decades ago �perhaps 10, 20, 30 years ago, or even more. �Don�t you think,� one
of us was asked when describing something that his parents did to him when he was five
years old, �Don�t you think it�s about time you let your parents off the hook after all these
years and moved forward?�
Also, many of us have resentments against other authority figures. In response to these,
our sponsors often pointed out to us that we go to school to do what our teachers tell us, and
we go to work to do what our boss tell us. So, provided that we are not being asked to do
something that is illegal or immoral, we should aim to do what they say, even if we don�t
agree with it. It was pointed out that if, in the past, we had accepted this and tried to do our
best, they might have given us a fair break.
When all of our Step Four had been read out, we went home and as soon as possible
read the passage at the beginning of the third paragraph on page 75, which asks us to consider
if we have missed anything out. When we are sure we have put down all that we can
remember, we are told that we should, �thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know
him better.� So on our knees we say� Thank you God that I know you better.
That concludes the talk for this week. Now I am delighted to introduce [Name] who is
going to disclose in a general way what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.